Y2K Gene Identified

University of Maryland researchers are the first to have identified what cyber-experts had hoped did not exist, the Y2K gene. Dr. Lyons of the Genetic Noncompliance Unit (GENEX) of the University of Maryland Hospital Center in conjunction with Dr. Norman lead scientist of the Laboratory for Automation Psychology, University of Maryland, College Park, have confirmed that a genetic abnormality may exist in a significant proportion of the population that may leave them hopelessly incapacitated, bewildered, or in a complete coma upon entering the Year 2000.

In an interview with Dr. Norman, he noted that while government agencies and businesses were focusing on the Y2K problem with computer systems, everyone was ignoring the possibility that the human brain could also be noncompliant with the year into 2000. "Some people thought that we were crazy to think that there might be any relationship between the way in which the human mind works and the way the computer works. But remember it was the human mind that created the Cobol programming language and it was the human mind that did not foresee what would happen to the computer if the year was coded with only two digits. If the problem has its origin in the human mind, then it is quite possible that the brain will be affected in the same way as computers."

The Y2K gene was only a theoretical idea until Dr. Lyons took on the task of finding it in the National Genome Database. "It was a monumental task because we have never looked for a numeric encoding gene before," he was quoted as saying. "But if it existed as Dr. Norman hypothesized, we had to find it for the sake of humankind. The great tragedy is that we have found it. It does exist and we are not sure what to do about it. It has become an issue of national security." he concluded.

How did researchers confirm the presence of the Y2K Gene. Dr. Lyons searched through historical records as well as a number of recent unexplained phenomena. "We reasoned that if the Y2K gene existed in the gene pool, there would be a significant spike in the number of deaths on January 1 at the turn of each century. Indeed that is what we have found. But the most conclusive evidence has come in this last year. When software engineers tested systems for Y2K compliance they often did so by setting the clock on the computer to January 1, 2000. When they did this, a number of the programmers became dazed and bewildered by achronological episodes leading to hospitalization.

What exactly is the Y2K gene? According to researchers the Y2K gene is a section of the chromosome that lacks the capacity to encode the year in more than two digits. When the person thinks of "1998" only the "98" part is encoded. Thus, when the year 1900 is encoded, it looks just like the year 2000, namely, "00".

What will happen to people with the Y2K gene on January 1, 2000? Dr. Byte, founder of the Center for Neural Numeric Programming, says that when the clock rolls over to the year 2000 these people will become either totally inoperative or greatly incapacitated. "It is quite possible that some people with the Y2K gene will simply die of complete neural failure. Consciousness will stop and all autonomic processing controlling such things as heart rate, and digestion will freeze up just like a computer running Windows 95. It's like your computer screen goes blank."

Officials at the Pentagon and the State Department refused to confirm or deny their involvement with research on the Y2K gene. However, it is suspected that the military is interested in the Y2K gene for battle readiness. Pentagon officials may be considering a Y2K genetic exemption from military service until after January 1, 2000 and they are putting current personnel suspected of having the Y2K gene in non-combat, unessential duties.

It is also suspected that various government agencies are trying to identify world leaders who may have the Y2K gene. They deny that they would be positioning armies to secure and stabilize designated countries on January 1, 2000 when such leaders become incapacitated. Officials at the Department of Transportation are considering halting all ground and air traffic on January 1, 2000 more out of fear of operator failure than computer failure.

When asked if there is anything that can be done about the Y2K gene, Dr. Byte lit up. "Yes, that is were my center comes in. We are beginning preventative therapy for patients identified with the Y2K gene. Neural Numeric Programming is used to create a patch in the brain so that when the year 2000 comes it will not be confused with years such as 1900, 1800, 1700, and so on." Dr. Byte would not elaborate on the technique claiming that his lawyers did not want him to reveal his trade secrets and jeopardize his lucrative business. However, he was quick to note that in collaboration with the Laboratory for Automation Psychology he had developed a test to identify people at risk of having the Y2K gene. (See test below.)

Other Y2K therapists are quickly identifying themselves in the hope of aiding those whose with the Y2K Gene. In addition to Neural Numeric Programming, other techniques emerging as a cure for the Y2K gene are Transactional Numerical Analysis and the Primal Number Therapy.

Researchers are quick to warn people not to subject themselves to dangerous self tests for the Y2K Gene. Dr. Norman notes that a very obvious but extremely dangerous test is for the person to set the clock on his or her VCR to January 1, 2000. He notes, however, that his lab has found that fortunately few people are able to subject themselves to this danger owning to the unplanned safety feature on VCRs that it is virtually impossible for the average person to figure out how to set the clock.

Researcher continue to investigate the Y2K gene. Dr. Lyons emphasizes the importance of this research. "Just think of what the world could be like in the next century if we don't solve the problem of the Y2K gene now. Only the most primitive tribes having no contact with the digital world will survive!"

Clinical psychologists are taking the Y2K problem seriously. Hanno Kirk, PhD, LCSW, and Jo Weisbrod, MA, LPC, of Lewisburg, WV have proposed a new classification be added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual ( DM IV) called "Millanialmania" or "Y2K mania." This will allow suffers to get help and have health insurance companies pay for therapy! Check out the symptoms here.

Do you have the Y2K Gene? Take the following self test to see if you are at risk.

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